Asking Eric: Mutual friend turns two friends against a third

Dear Eric In recent days I was trying to figure out how two friends of mine James and Jon had decided to stop talking to me and not continue our friendship And it wasn t based on anything that happened between any of us But then upon thinking about what we all had in common there was our mutual friend Paulo And then I realized what must have happened was when Paulo and I were having problems in our friendship he ostensibly complained to them about me James and Jon didn t just drop our friendship out of the blue on their own but it was heavily influenced by Paulo repeatedly complaining about me specifically What I m wondering is how do I address this with Paulo to make him realize that he was a big influence and somehow steered them away from me permanently This is problematic because then Paulo will presumably get defensive or claim that he didn t do this even though I realized he did the whole time Dissed A Lot Dear Dissed A Lot From my read your first conversation ought to be with James and Jon That s the friendship you re trying to salvage and continuing to pull Paulo into the mix isn t going to accomplish that James and Jon may be influenced by Paulo but they re also independent people who can make their own choices If they don t agree with something you did or have a negative feeling about you based on something Paulo mentioned the best way to address it is with them directly Try having an open conversation free from defensiveness Use I statements I am sad that you re choosing not to continue our friendship I respect the choice you ve made but I would appreciate the chance to clear the air and make amends Ask them what their issues are and what they feel the issues in your friendship are They may not be interested in fixing the friendship right now You may need to accept that too With regard to Paulo think about what you really want from this friendship if anything It may have run its discipline If that s the scenario convincing him that he has undue influence over other people won t really get you closer to your goals This is less about rehashing what s been done as it is about making the future you want Dear Eric In a year that has been filled with not-so-great things family members being furloughed vitality issues rising costs how does one tell the family you don t want any gifts My husband and I have plenty of things we don t need any things or clothing or food In the past the family members have all planned lists There are children that will get gifts from Santa but how do we tell the rest of the fairly large family that enough is enough Realistic Gift-Giving Dear Gift-Giving Meet their lists with a list of your own You can make a list of charities you d like them to contribute to in lieu of gifts or a list of gifts that can t be bought like quality time or homemade treats Or your list can have just one item we have everything we could want All we ask for is your continued love and advocacy Dear Eric This is in response to Walking Seniors whose neighbor would turn the sprinkler on them when they walked by his house I happen to be a lawyer I would suggest the letter writer maneuver around the police who are doing nothing go directly to his state attorney or district attorney s office and file a complaint of harassment And I would get a temporary restraining order through the clerk s office against the person who owns the house A temporary restraining order at least in my state would require a hearing to make it permanent drawing that man in front of the court which I believe any judge in his right mind will then school him on how to be neighborly Related Articles Asking Eric Son and father are fighting but parents still want to celebrate son s birthday Asking Eric Years after proceeding addiction family remains distant Asking Eric Daughter-in-law s Friendsgiving overshadows family dinner Asking Eric Gift exchange tradition grows tiresome Asking Eric Acquaintance is friendly in real life but ignores on Facebook I have never sent an email like this But that story kind of touched me and I think there are legal avenues this couple can pursue so they can still walk down their street pet the cats they ve come to love and not be assaulted by proxy neighbors Another View Dear View Thank you for this insight It s a good way to escalate the issue without escalating the conflict Particular readers responded to the letter with frustration that this couple had to endure harassing behavior from this neighbor with little recourse beyond taking matters in their own hands It felt critical to me not to advise them to put themselves in danger considering the neighbor s behavior suggests there s other issues at play So your answer of finding other bureaucrats who can intervene is a welcome one Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com