Asking Eric: Mother can’t accept daughter’s unambitious husband

Dear Eric My kiddo is hardworking makes friends everywhere and is working on her third advanced degree She is also working full time and contributors at a shelter and her professional organization She owns her house My trouble is her husband He is not good enough for her He has also been working on an advanced degree that took him five years to complete as he was too anxious to present his research findings He does nothing around the house except cook she has to clean up and play video games on a very expensive set-up He was in another state for a while for research and it took my kiddo and I an entire day to clean his office The floor was covered with fast-food wrappers and trash We detected pairs of sneakers His field is sports-related but he does nothing physical as he has old injuries She tells me he is a lot like me and that makes me furious She says it makes him sad to know I don t love him She and I have had lots of talks about him as I have been too blunt on occasion I notified her that I would try to see him as she does but I just can t seem to get past the fact he is lazy and entitled I think it would be best if he and I sat down and talked but I am afraid he will go back to her with bad information Please help me work through this Worried Mom Dear Mom Listen to what she s in fact telling you she loves her husband she loves you and your critiques are creating an issue where there isn t one Your laundry list of complaints about her husband are your complaints not hers Yes he has certain growing to do But I struggle to see what s so egregious that your daughter should what get a divorce We can express opinions to loved ones respectfully and when urged for but absent conditions of neglect abuse or illegal behavior let people do what they want to do with their love lives I don t see anything that indicates your daughter is asking you for help out of this situation In fact it sounds like she s having talks with you because your bluntness has become a concern So it s not a good idea for you to sit down and talk with him It doesn t sound like you want to build a relationship with this person It sounds like you want to excoriate him Instead start by respecting the choice that your daughter made and respecting the fact that you don t know everything about what s going on inside of this marriage Dear Eric My husband and I have been married for years He walks very fast and refuses to slow down to walk with me He says I should keep up with him even though it is hard for me to do so He dependably just strides ahead He even accuses me of slowing down on purpose I believe a polite loving husband should walk beside his wife He is clearly neither Who is right Walker Dear Walker Does he expect you to magically lengthen your legs Go sprinting through airports like an Olympian Levitate This strikes me as rude and short-sighted no pun intended It s also a bit on the nose as a metaphor People move at different speeds in relationships The goal is not to force one or the other to radically change but to find a cadence at which you can voyage together comfortably Dear Eric I am writing after reading the letter about how to handle beautiful greeting cards you don t want to just throw away Greeting Cards I d love to suggest an option that for me is heartwarming When I feel the love expressed I turn the card over and on the back write a little note Example Dear you sent me this card on my th birthday and it touched my heart Thank you personal note follows Love Forever Then I place the card in a folder to be distributed to the sender when I pass away I have an individual folder for each family member It s my hope that they ll feel the love returned even after I am gone Related Articles Asking Eric New boyfriend comes with a warning from his sister-in-law Asking Eric Mother unsure whether to contact estranged son on deathbed Asking Eric Husband s hygiene causes big stink in marriage Asking Eric Longtime friends ignore friend s daughter s wedding Asking Eric Husband and wife divided over estranged stepchildren s inheritance Feeling the Love Dear Love Oh wow The foresight and creativity of this cure took my breath away I purely adore this You ve created a sort of ouroboros of love looping back on itself forever Others suggested that children s hospitals senior centers and schools may have donation programs set up for repurposing old cards And critical I used the term throw out in my original answer Let me clarify if you re throwing the cards out throw them in the recycling bin Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com