Asking Eric: Joint family birthday party puts burden on one side only

Dear Eric My son will soon be turning as will my niece They were born a week apart I usually host a family pool party for my son s birthday but my brother and his wife do not arrange a family party for their daughter They also have a nice yard with a pool Instead they have a party for her and her friends without inviting family When they show up for my son s party family members arrive with gifts for their daughter s birthday and I feel like my son has to share his birthday every year with his cousin My brother and his wife do not contribute financially nor with prep serving cooking or clean-up so essentially I am giving their daughter a party as well A insufficient years ago I suggested we combine parties together which they agreed to but since I had more people than them my mother forbade me from asking them to contribute I stated this to my sister-in-law when she attempted to give me money and rather than insist she happily put her money back in her wallet They make more money than me I m a divorced mom on one income I certainly know this is not my niece s fault but how do I communicate to them that I don t want to share my son s birthday Feeling Frustrated And Used Dear Frustrated Her intentions may have been good but your mother s edict was not helpful I m not quite sure why she feels the need to insert herself in this at all You re an adult as is your sister-in-law it s none of her business how the costs get split up And it makes sense that you share the burden if this has become a de facto joint party over the years After more than a decade of doing this it wouldn t be surprising to find that your family members all think of this as your son and niece s party It is more than OK for you to revisit the conversation with your brother and sister-in-law acknowledge the reality of what s going on and work together on a explanation And if your mom has thoughts or questions tell her not to worry about it Another thing you might want to consider is the possibility that this party might be on the verge of changing Talk to your son about how he wants to celebrate Maybe he s really eager for a friends-centric party too That might be quite healthy for him and a lot of fun If you do change it though I d give a heads up to the family so they can adjust their expectations and no one accuses you of undercutting your niece Dear Eric In response to the husband eight months sober and describing himself as a recovering alcoholic who was asking about his wife s continuing funk Tired of Walking on Eggshells I offer my own personal experience My husband spent about years in the throes of an addiction to street drugs with periods of sobriety sometimes lasting more than eight months He has been sober now for nearly years and something that I have noticed that may be true for the couple described in the column is that I remember a lot more of his addiction than he does I have a clearer and more accurate recall of the danger the lying the fear the relapses the stealing It was a LOT of work so I m also resentful Related Articles Asking Eric Religious leader s speaking obscures message Asking Eric In-law s handmade gift caused years-long rift Asking Eric Brother s drunken phone calls have become a burden Asking Eric New friend seems uncomfortable about introducing his partner Asking Eric Female coworker s body hair is a turn off If I m being perfectly honest sometimes I feel almost jealous that my husband could be so irresponsible for all those years and have his redemption narrative and come into his own full thriving and bright future Me There are just stories of keeping everyone alive and housed thanklessly and often while getting yelled at that would do more harm than good to share no celebration no self-actualization just the end of a predicament that wasn t my making I was in a funk for a couple of years apparently It takes personal therapy and a lot of it to find real happiness in my own husband s recovery And to let go of the kind of vigilance I needed for so a great number of years only to keep him alive Been There Dear Been There This is a very helpful and insightful perspective I m glad that you ve been able to manage the complex emotions that arose for you after your husband got sober This letter is a good reminder that when one person in a family changes it changes the whole unit But it doesn t change the past Each member of the unit is going to have a different relationship to that past We have to be responsible for our own feelings as you ve been but as selected recovery communities say time takes time Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com