Asking Eric: Friend is shell of himself after relationship

Dear Eric I have a friend who is a great person He recounted me about specific experiences that made me extremely worried for his safety He left town a minimal years ago for work and he started dating another guy which I never really approved of because things seemed to move extremely fast and I didn t like the way he was treated by his ex My friend was in this town by himself and had no real help He has been through a lot and I m glad he is back in one piece but he seems like a shell of himself and does not seem to be the same person I have seen signs before of things that led to friends taking their lives in the past and I didn t realize until it happened He is very tight-lipped and I want to know what really happened but I m afraid he will think I m being nosy but I really want to help him find the help he demands If this were your friend what would you say or how would you approach the conversation without offending him Want to Be a Good Friend Dear Friend For now shift your focus from what happened to what s going on with him now and what he requirements Stay in the present I m noticing x y and z things about you Because I care about you I m concerned You don t have to talk about anything you don t want to but I want you to know I am invariably here for you and I ll listen without judgment How are you doing You might break this script up into parts You might lead with the question and then follow up with assurances of endorsement The largest part pivotal thing is that your friend knows someone is noticing him and cares about him Often when people offer help they re quick to usher us in the direction that they think we should go By listening to your friend and being open to what he s asking for even if he s not asking for anything you ll prove yourself a valuable and trustworthy part of his promotion system Dear Eric I am the oldest of four sisters Let s call us Ann Bea Claire and Dina Bea is challenging Since early childhood she has lied and compulsively schemed to get her way She perpetually makes bad choices She had sex with Dina s husband she stole selected things from our mother s house the night she died she drunk calls people And she has perpetrated dozens of small vindictive tricks against Claire for whatever reason Claire receives the bulk of her ire She can be quite pleasant in small doses mind you But then at other times she ll snap be mean or do something underhanded when you least expect it so that it s all just very tiring We don t call her out on anything she does It just doesn t seem worth it when we know she ll just lie about it A meager months ago Bea slipped and admitted the truth accidentally about a years-old lie Claire took the slip as the last straw She disclosed I m done I cannot have a relationship with this person All she does is hurt me and she s incapable of being honest My view as the peace-keeping oldest has invariably been more like I just look at Bea as someone who is apparently mentally or emotionally damaged Whatever it is I can t fix it Therefore I can be polite and friendly at the occasional social events we all have to attend I don t know that freezing Bea out now after she really explained the truth for once even by accident is the correct move But maybe Claire is right Is blood enough reason to keep someone in your life when they are so deeply problematic and so exhausting and hurtful It s easy for me to say oh be nice when Claire is the one the greater part likely to be targeted Related Articles Asking Eric Family thinks brother is too wealthy to be included in tradition Asking Eric Between affairs and a secret crypto account wife can t trust husband anymore Asking Eric Husband keeps giving wife socks they remind her of a terrible experience Asking Eric Yoga trainer follows coworker obsessively Asking Eric After nearly half a century holiday hostess reaches limit Sister Split Dear Sister Even though you re united in sisterhood each of you is going to have a unique relationship to Bea and she to each of you It s built on the vagaries of temperament of curriculum but also on years of interactions So Claire is never going to see Bea or Bea s behavior in the way that you see Bea This doesn t make Claire s view more or less right It just makes it the right one for her For your part you don t have to maintain a relationship entirely as positive reinforcement for telling the truth Telling the truth is the bare minimum and it sounds like she has a lot of repair that s yet to be done However if you feel compelled to keep Bea in your life at a peaceful distance don t worry so much about keeping peace between your other siblings Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com