Asking Eric: Adult children object to parents’ burial plans

Dear Eric I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage My dilemma is plans for burial All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored My wife s mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father How do I get what I want I have not discussed any of this with my wife If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife She has done that for less If I am to get a plot I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply While living I would feel great delight if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity Related Articles Asking Eric Minimalist daughter doesn t want any family heirlooms Asking Eric After ugly comments brother invites himself to party Asking Eric Friend s dog not welcome in the pool Asking Eric After a rift and a breakdown sister-in-law wants to rebuild relationship Asking Eric Mother can t accept daughter s unambitious husband Am I being silly to not just take the easy track Burial Conflict Dear Plans You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love And this might be controversial you don t have to tell your kids If you have virtually no relationship as it is you certainly don t need to bend to their wishes It seems there s no pleasing them anyway In general it s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one s end-of-life in advance This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you re still around to answer them But the conflict that s roiling your family complicates things Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage I can t say your kids are comprehensively wrong but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning Perhaps they re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief perhaps there s something else going on that I m not privy too Either way the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now Once you re both on the same page you ll know what the next step is That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor That last part is allegedly wise regardless There would still be a lot of complications of discipline Namely one of you will predecease the other and at that point presumably the kids would find out the plan So while you are working on doing what brings you delight I d also encourage you to get down to the root of what s going on with your kids Dear Eric I have a minimal words of encouragement for the young lady whose grandmother had developed dementia Loving Granddaughter My mom passed away years ago from Parkinson s ailment and dementia I am in my late s now but I remember my experience like it was on the previous day This loving granddaughter should visit her grandma as much as realizable Take that time to learn all about her grandma Talk with her and ask a lot of questions about her life While mom was alive we thanked God for the time she spent with us Her life was much more stimulating and fascinating than I ever knew Her childhood her adolescence her marriage to my dad their families the world during her life and much more It gave me great insight into mom s thoughts life and her dreams Interestingly the staff at the nursing home communicated us that we were quite strange in visiting mom every day because countless families never visit their elders but rather dump them off and leave them Embrace this time and give thanks that you have this time with her before she is gone God bless this young lady for caring for her grandma so much Loving Son Dear Loving Son This is wonderful advice A multitude of readers responded to the letter in similar tactics Others suggested using photo albums or music to start conversations or pull back older memories which may be more graspable to more contemporary events One reader also suggested the book Creating Moments of Bliss by Jolene Brackey I ve determined it to be a wonderful supply Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com